


when i catch fire (and watch over you like the sun)

by renjaune



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aromantic Character, M/M, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Queerplatonic Relationships, Slice of Life, aro noren, jeno realizes he wants renjun for life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:09:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29526189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjaune/pseuds/renjaune
Summary: Jeno is too busy looking around, trying to capture the picture in front of him and sealing it inside his mind — the lights making everything colorful now that the night has come, the kids running around and chasing each other, people laughing and enjoying themselves. This, Jeno thinks, is the closest he's been to plain happiness.Then, he meets Renjun.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	when i catch fire (and watch over you like the sun)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [laehys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/laehys/gifts).



> lua, bro, happy bday. i wont say much here but you make my life a bit better everyday. anyway, have a fic. i love you. 
> 
> thank u vicky for betaing this and thank u val for sharing ur brain with me. love u both <3

The sun is setting and the small window in Jeno’s room lets it in making the entire scene a marvelous crimson. Jeno takes a minute to admire what’s in front of him. Ignoring his phone that’s been vibrating for a few minutes now, he opens his camera and takes a picture like he always does — he has been capturing sunsets and sunrises, like they belong to him, like he belongs to them. 

He finally gives in to his friends’ messages and picks up his jacket on his way out. They’ve been waiting for him outside his dorm complex, ready to hit the road and spend the rest of the evening at the new fair across town. 

“I know, I know,” he says as he hops in the front seat of the car, “I took too long, you are all pissed, I am sorry, now we can move on.” 

Donghyuck smiles as he always does, and Jeno does too. It’s always the same thing, but Jeno knows they don’t mind — they would wait for each other until the end of times if necessary. 

The sun is almost gone as they reach the fair. It takes forever for Donghyuck to park the car, partly because he is a new driver and sucks at it, and partly because the place is as crowded as it can be. 

“My shoes are gonna be destroyed after tonight,” Jaemin says when they are all finally off the car, “I should have worn my old ones.” 

“You would have complained anyway,” Donghyuck replies, sliding his fingers through Jaemin’s, “let’s go meet the others.” 

Jeno is too busy looking around, trying to capture the picture in front of him and sealing it inside his mind — the lights making everything colorful now that the night has come, the kids running around and chasing each other, people laughing and enjoying themselves. _This_ , Jeno thinks, _this_ _is the closest I’ve been to plain happiness._

Plain happiness, that’s what it is, that’s what the image in front of Jeno is. He isn’t involved in it, he is a simple spectator. Reaching happiness, he knows, is a process he has been working on for a while. He also knows he isn’t there yet, but that doesn’t keep him awake at night, not when he has friends that make him leave his ugly dorm room and take him to fairs and make him get out of his shell. 

“Aren’t you coming?,” Jisung brings him back to reality.

Jeno hasn't noticed Jisung has been there waiting for him after everyone left them behind, but he is not surprised either. That’s what they always do: be there, wait for each other even when they are not paying attention. 

“Yeah, sorry, let’s go.” 

A couple of exchange students join them as the night goes by — Jaemin knows Yangyang from algebra class, Yangyang knows Chenle from the basketball team, Chenle knows Renjun since middle school, and Jeno stopped paying attention once there were more people than he could count in one hand. 

The moment getting into the ride starts being a pain in the ass as there is too many people, so Jeno takes a step back and decides on just enjoying the ambiance while the others run around trying to get the best seats on every coaster. 

The truth is he doesn’t mind being a spectator when the picture he is watching is his friends being happy. He loves it, he loves seeing his friends enjoy themselves, he loves hearing them laugh and joke and scream and complain and be happy around each other. And even if right now he is in the corner taking a break, he is still there, with them, everyone enjoying the night in their own way.

“You don’t like rides?,” the guy Jeno recognizes as Renjun says, sitting next to him on the bench. Jeno has seen Renjun around at school, he is always carrying around art supplies, that’s all Jeno has noticed before, but right now, with him closer, he can notice how nice Renjun’s face looks in the warm light. There’s no explanation for it, but Renjun looks like someone he can trust — with his small hands and narrow brown eyes, there’s something in him that lets Jeno know this one will stick around. 

Jeno takes a second to respond, to think if explaining how he sometimes needs time to himself is worth it or if he should just give Renjun a short answer. He puts his hands inside the pockets of his jean jacket and kicks the dirt under his shoes once, twice. Before he can reply, Renjun takes a small bag of jellies from one of his pockets and offers Jeno some without saying a single word, just a kind smile painted across his face, sight still on their friends.

The long version, Jeno decides, and he is glad he did. 

  
  


It has been a year since they met and they’re in their college garden, hanging out as the sun shines on both of them. They didn’t plan it, but Jeno always carries a picnic blanket in his backpack for occasions like this one, where Renjun texts him to hang out after class _and get some vitamin D._ It only takes them ten minutes to leave their classes and be there, lying on their backs, breathing as much fresh air as they can before their next class.

“You know,” Jeno starts saying, hands under his head, his eyes closed, “your girlfriend wasn’t around last night.”

“Which one?” 

“The oldest one.” 

“Oh, so not your algebra prof?” 

They both laugh. They’ve been discussing how hot their teacher was for days now in the groupchat, and even if Jeno wasn’t into women, or anyone at all, he could see that she was, in fact, pretty hot. 

“It’s called a new moon,” Renjun starts explaining, “what happens is that it rises at sunrise and sets at sunset, that’s why we can’t see the illuminated side at night.” 

Even if Jeno loves listening to his friends talk about their passions, he also loves that Renjun always starts simple, explaining things in ways Jeno can understand. 

“Is she gonna be out for long?, you are kinda needy, you’re going to start missing her,” he jokes, but doesn’t at the same time. Yes, Renjun is needy and shows up at Jeno’s dorm room when he doesn’t show up for a day, but he’s also pretty understanding when it comes to people's times and needs. 

“She’ll be back, don’t worry. In fact, she is still there, but your eyes are so bad you can’t see her.” 

“That’s not news,” Jeno says taking off his glasses and leaving them next to him on the picnic mat.

“Another thing that’s interesting about a new moon is that the chinese calendar uses it to set the start of the month, did you know that? I think that’s pretty cool.” 

_Pretty cool_ , Jeno repeats inside his head, they definitely have different concepts of what something cool is. But even like that, Jeno thinks Renjun is pretty cool, with his random facts and his needy attitude and his way to always joke around and make Jeno laugh. But Jeno also knows it won't last long. 

“So you’re gonna be gone before the next new moon,” Jeno says, words leaving his mouth before he can properly think about them. 

Jeno is sad Renjun is leaving, he won’t lie about it — Renjun’s exchange is coming to an end and he has to go back to his family. Jeno knows Renjun misses his family more than anything, and it would be selfish of him to ask Renjun to stay. Even if he’s dying to do so, he doesn’t. They can keep their friendship intact even with lots and lots of miles between them.

“I’m gonna miss carrying the blanket around just in case you call me to lay here,” Jeno starts saying. Maybe right here, right now, without having to actually look at Renjun’s eyes while doing so, Jeno can say his _goodbye_ speech. “And even if I don’t like admitting it because you’re going to use it against me, I’m gonna miss your knocks on my door when I don’t reply to your texts for more than 24 hours.”

Renjun doesn’t say anything, but Jeno doesn’t need him to. Jeno knows Renjun is there, next to him, and that’s all he needs right now, now and always. 

“I’m going to miss you, a lot,” he continues before Renjun can decide to speak and ruin his moment of emotional bravery, “but I’m happy you’re going to be back with your family. I got them some presents, they’re in my dorm.” 

Jeno is happy for Renjun, he has seen the weight being far from home had on his friend’s shoulders, and sometimes distance sucks, but he knows there’s nothing they can do about it. Today, with the sun setting on the horizon bathing them in pink waves and Renjun by his side once again, he can be himself, he can be vulnerable and open up to his friend, he can tell Renjun how much he’ll miss his banters and he can be finally okay with it.

“Jeno,” Renjun starts saying, and Jeno feels his friend’s fingers interlocking with his, “I’m not going anywhere. I decided to stay.”

  
  
It has been a year since Renjun decided to stay for the long run instead of going back to his old university, partly because he enjoys the weather here more, mostly because he has found a place where he belongs — with them, with Jeno. 

Taking care of friendships was something Jeno always lacked on — used to having friends always around, friends that always called him first and took him places and were there almost every single moment of the day, Jeno found himself changing for the better, if one can call it that. 

Jeno found himself texting Renjun to hang out, he found himself making plans outside his dorm room to go see the sunset, he found himself reading books and cooking weird recipes and capturing sunsets with his own eyes, instead of with his phone. But yeah, he isn’t going to lie, he also has his entire instagram page filled with pictures of almost everything he has done with Renjun, but that’s because Renjun is an art student and takes pictures for the both of them, only because of that. 

“Are you going to ask him to be your plus one?,” Donghyuck asks after handling Jeno his wedding invitation. 

“You aren’t inviting him?” 

The tone Jeno uses makes Donghyuck chuckle. Of course they are, but of course they are trying to put Jeno between a rock and a hard place once again. 

“You know we are not together,” Jeno adds when Donghyuck doesn’t look like giving him an answer. 

“Yes, you are. You’ve been together for three years now, Jeno.” 

That’s the thing: they have, but they haven’t.

“You don’t need to make everyone get married just because you are, you know? I can always be your future kids’ cool single uncle.” 

Jeno smiles at the image that pops in his mind — small Donghyucks and Jaemins running around and him trying to catch them before they get hurt. And looking cool while at it, so cool. But the thing is, he also thinks of Renjun, at the other end, with open arms ready for them to reach him and hug him too. In every picture Jeno can think of, he is there, they are there, together. But not _together_ together _._

"Then what are you?," Donghyuck asks, and Jeno can tell his friend is just curious, maybe clueless. Jeno is as clueless as Donghyuck, he doesn't have all the answers in the world. He has been thinking about it for way too long now. _What are they._ When everyone around them is getting together, getting engaged or married or simply becoming boyfriends, labeling what they are seems like a required matter.

"What are we?," he finds himself saying out loud, "I don't know. I love him, and he loves me, and we enjoy each other's company."

"That's good," Donghyuck says, crossing his legs and waiting for Jeno to continue, but being patient at the same time, giving him the time to collect his thoughts.

"But I don't _love_ him, you know?"

Jeno isn't sure if Donghyuck knows. He has talked about it with some other friends before, and he knows how hard it is to comprehend aromanticism, he had some troubles and still has some trying to get how an _allo_ mind works, so he doesn't expect Donghyuck to get it, but he still tries to explain it.

"Our bond, you know, is really strong. I think of Renjun as the dearest person to my heart, but I don't think of him romantically."

Donghyuck is listening attentively **,** resting his face on his hand with his eyes wide open, waiting for Jeno to tell him what's on his mind. Hyuck has always been like that — _understanding_ is a word Jeno always uses to describe his best friend. Hyuck always tries, and if he can't, he will try again until he does. When did Jeno get this lucky, he wonders, to have such good friends all around him.

"So you don't want to kiss him," Donghyuck says, and Jeno can see the little pieces moving and working inside his friend's brain.

"It's more complicated than that," he replies fondly, a smile forming on his lips, "but yes, I don't want to kiss him."

"Okay, so..."

His friend isn't asking him to explain himself more, Donghyuck never does. He always gives Jeno his space to say whatever he wants to say, and doesn't push him further. But Jeno wants to talk, he wonders if saying this out loud will help him figure out what he feels, what he wants to do.

"I want him close to me," is the first thing that comes to Jeno's mind. "Closeness, I think, is one of the most important things for me. But not physical, or maybe physical too."

"Hmmh."

"Renjun has always believed in me, even when I doubted myself. And he loves me with so much conviction, I can't do anything but loving myself too. And it’s crazy for my brain to comprehend how he does all this but he doesn't expect anything in return."

It doesn't make sense to be saying what he's saying, Jeno is aware of that, or maybe it does. Finding the right words to describe what Renjun means to him is not something easy, and he has been bad at it his entire life. But Jeno tries, he tries to tell Donghyuck everything on his mind, he tries describing how it felt the first time Renjun met Jeno's parents, he tries describing how much better his life is now that he has someone to share it with. He has chosen Renjun and Renjun has chosen him, but none of them have said anything about it -- like a secret pact they made, side by side, without needing to say a single word.

"You are... what's the word?," Donghyuck says, looking around the room as if he is going to find the answer there, and somehow he does and adds "soulmates."

_Soulmates._

"That term is quite... something."

"Yeah, it seems quite fictitious, like you're part of a movie."

"Exactly, like those movies where they're childhood best friends and they grow up together and know each other forever and all that." _And they're lovers,_ Jeno thinks, but doesn't say it. "But maybe it’s about us choosing each other when we haven’t met that many years ago, when we’ve met and worked through each other’s current lives and found a place in that chaos where we can coexist together."

There are a lot of _maybe_ s and uncertainty in Jeno's life right now, but he has learnt that not everything has an explanation, not everything has to fit perfectly to work out.

"I do want to share my life with him. Growing old next to him sounds fun, really fun, but it also sounds like home. Renjun doesn't have any hidden agendas, he is just himself, all the time — he is honest, and true to himself, and he supports me through everything. And I'm not saying that you're not," Jeno explains, scared Donghyuck would think Jeno doesn't feel loved by him, but his friend just smiles at him, "but it's different. The feeling is different. It's not romantic love, but it's also not just a regular friendship, not even a really good friendship. Just... different."

 _Yes, that's it_ , that's the best way Jeno finds to explain what his heart feels for Renjun.

"So you are a couple... of besties," Donghyuck jokes, and Jeno can't help but roll his eyes.

"Not a couple," he replies, acting angry but they both just smile. 

Jeno doesn't tell Donghyuck but having this conversation helps, talking always does.

“You know what I mean,” Donghyuck says after a few minutes, before picking up all the stuff he has left around Jeno’s apartment and heading to the door. “He is invited anyway, but you should ask him to go with you.”

“Okay, maybe I will.” 

“He is _your_ _person_ after all, isn’t he?,” Donghyuck adds before crossing the door and leaving Jeno alone in his apartment. 

Maybe, for the first time in a while, Donghyuck is right. Maybe he will.

  
  


The sun in his new apartment rises differently, Jeno is sure of it. Or maybe it’s that Renjun has been staying there for a week now and has changed every furniture to the place he liked it better. Or maybe it’s just that with a cup of coffee and paint fumes playing with their brains, everything seems a little messy. 

The thing is that day the living room looks brilliant yellow, and Renjun is sitting cross legged on the floor, next to his gigantic canvas, waiting for Jeno to bring him some tea before continuing his work. But even in his pajamas and with bags that let Jeno know Renjun hasn’t slept properly in days, everything looks exactly how Jeno wants it to be -- with his friend around, living, existing together. 

“You know,” Jeno says as he gives Renjun the tea he just made, “you can take a break sometime, the sun is already out.” 

Renjun’s hands are covered in paint and some of it gets on the mug Jeno just handled him. 

“Yeah, I could, but if I do, I won’t finish it on time, and I need the money.” 

_He is busy,_ Jeno reminds himself, _he doesn’t have time for weddings._

“Okay, but I can’t be around you making you stay alive all the time, I have lots and lots of things to do.” Sitting on the couch and searching the internet for suit places being the most important of them all. 

“Absolutely, it looks like you can’t even handle yourself,” Renjun jokes, making a few more strokes on his canvas.

The silence filled the room once again a few minutes ago and Jeno decided to focus on his research, taking the reason why he woke up so early that day out of his mind. Maybe he wasn’t going to do it, maybe Donghyuck wasn’t right. 

“You know,” Renjun interrupts Jeno’s thoughts this time, “Jaemin gave me his wedding invitation yesterday.” 

It’s dumb to keep his gaze on his laptop screen, Jeno knows that, but he can’t make himself look at Renjun. 

“He did?,” Jeno answers instead, almost as if he was unaware their best friends were getting married. 

“Yeah,” Renjun adds. “You’re getting good at making tea, finally.” 

Jeno smiles as Renjun leaves his mug on the coffee table, next to Jeno’s feet, and he thinks the conversation is over, but it never is with Renjun. 

“So, I was thinking maybe we can go together? Like, I know you are going, and I am going too, but _couplish_ together?”

 _Couplish together,_ Jeno repeats inside his brain, still unable to look at his friend. 

“We don’t have to,” Renjun retreats himself when zero words come out of Jeno’s mouth, “but I’d like that. We can even match our ties and all, that’d be cute.” 

“Sure,” Jeno hears himself say, as if he hasn’t been thinking about it for days, “that would be nice.” 

“Good.”

And just like that, Renjun goes back to his painting, Jeno goes back to his research, and the world, their world, moves a little towards conjunction.

  
  


“How many people do you think,” Renjun says while interlocking his fingers with Jeno’s, as he always does when he’s nervous, palms sweaty but none of them really care, “will ask us if we are dating tonight?” 

“Too many,” Jeno replies, nervously tightening the grip on Renjun’s hand, “too many.” 

And that’s what happens almost every hour — during the ceremony, the reception, the party afterwards. At least a dozen people ask them if they are together, and they just smile and say the truth: that no, they aren’t dating, they are friends, just that, _friends._ And yes, maybe they took time out of their busy schedules to go tuxedo shopping and make their ties match, but that was just _for fashion_ , as Renjun said. _Not everything has to mean something_ , Jeno tries to convince himself of.

They go back to their hotel room once the party is over, not without checking that the happy couple made it to their room too first. 

“They are so dumb,” Renjun says, kicking off his shoes by the door, “they are so drunk, I’m sure they won’t get to have a proper wedding night.” 

“You are not much better yourself,” Jeno jokes, locking the door behind him because he knows Renjun won’t be able to sleep the other way. 

“I’m just tipsy, bro, it’s nothing. Oh, look!,” Renjun says, picking something up from the bed, “we are invited for some couple games tomorrow.” 

_Couple_ games. 

“Cool,” is the only thing Jeno’s mind can come up with in that state. 

“We are winning or I’m not talking to you ever again.” 

Jeno rolls his eyes in response, but Renjun isn’t looking at him, he’s kneeling down next to their suitcase. They decided to bring just one as all their stuff could fit in it, and Renjun preferred not having to carry anything and let Jeno do the work. Jeno doesn’t mind, though now all his clothes will smell of Renjun’s perfume for a week at least.

“We can’t win against Donghyuck,” Jeno says instead, “and Jaemin goes full competitive mode if Hyuck asks him to.” 

He knows he is right, there’s close to nothing that could make Donghyuck lose, even Renjun can’t win over Donghyuck. 

“I know, but they’ll be hungover as fuck, and we,” he says standing up, toiletry bag in hand, “are just tipsy. Anyway, I’m showering first.” 

Half an hour later, they’re both tucked in, wearing matching pajamas the wedding couple got for all of them. Renjun tried tricking Jeno into wearing the smaller ones, but after some bickering Jeno finally won. 

“I can’t believe you wanted me to be uncomfortable all night,” he says after turning the lights off.

“C’mon, you would’ve looked great.”

Renjun’s voice is low, as they’re facing opposite directions. The bed is big enough for them both to have their own space, but they always end up close to each other. There’s something about knowing Renjun is close to him that brings Jeno the peace of mind he needs to fall asleep. 

“You know,” Renjun continues and Jeno can feel by how the bed moves under him that his friend is now laying on his back, “I really enjoyed today.” 

Jeno imitates Renjun and lays on his back too, knowing Renjun is in the mood for a talk without even needing to say so, and maybe he’s in the mood too. 

“I did too,” he replies, not sure of where the conversation is leading, but wanting it to happen. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

Renjun is never one to ask first, he always asks questions without thinking twice, and Jeno would be lying if he said his heart isn’t about to leave his chest. He doesn’t know what’s going on in Renjun’s mind, but what he does know is that it must be at least a bit serious.

“You can always say no,” Renjun continues before Jeno gets to speak, tone so anxious Jeno goes for his hand under the sheets, trying to make Renjun calm down. 

“Yes, Renjun, please,” he says, soothing his voice to try to make Renjun’s anxiety go away, “what’s going on?”

“Do you want to be my partner?,” Renjun says, so quick Jeno almost misses it, “as in, would you _like_ to be my partner? You can totally say no, maybe you don’t want to, but I’d like you to be.” 

Jeno smiles but the lights are out and Renjun can’t see it, so he tightens his hand on Renjun’s instead. 

“It’s just that,” Renjun continues, “I’ve been thinking for a while, you know, and I want someone to call mine, I want someone to come home to. I want someone to be my home and who I can be home of. I feel like you’ve been my home for a while now. I want someone who would be there at the end of the day, and at the start of it. I want someone to choose me too, I want them to want to be in my life and I want to be in theirs too. Together, as one but as ourselves too. I want to grow next to someone and learn from them. I have so much to learn, I haven’t lived enough. I want to experience and I want someone to do it with me. I want _you_ to do it with me.” 

Renjun can read Jeno’s mind, he is sure of it by this point, but every single word seems like it’s been pulled out of Jeno’s mind. But he takes too long and Renjun takes his own hand away. 

“Renjun,” Jeno says, going after his hand and holding it again, “I’ve been scared of living for a while, scared of thinking too much, of feeling too much, of being too much. In general, and not. I’m scared. I’ve been scared of things my entire life.” 

Putting his thoughts together isn’t something simple — Jeno has always been one to think before speaking and right now they can both see that. But Jeno’s grip on Renjun’s hand doesn’t get loose, and Renjun does the same thing, letting Jeno know he can take his time. 

“But right now,” Jeno finds the words to continue, “with you by my side, I’m not scared anymore. I feel like I can live, like I can grow and experience and win and fail. With you by my side I can be myself, I can find myself and lose me and find me again. It’s you, it’s always been you. Since the very beginning it’s been you, you’ve always been what I was looking for, you’ve always been there through thick and thin. It’s us, against everyone else and against ourselves, it’s always us.”

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/_renjaune_)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/_renjaune_)


End file.
